When: Saturday May 12 @ 12:30. Hares away at 1:00 sharp. I have shit to do after trail. AKA Infinity War
Where: Hardees in Theodore: 5796 Twin Oaks Shopping Center, Theodore, AL 36582 Park in shopping center next to it.
Hash Cash: $6
Hares: Tater and Mystery Co-Hare
Shiggy Level: Tater
Once every couple of years, Tater gets his mind made up that he wants to run a White Trash Hash and he demands a mystery hare. For the last 8 years or so, that mystery hare has been me. This year is no different. Say what you want about Tater (and we all have) but his trails are never bad. They are certainly shitty but they are never bad. Now, just in case I fail to be able to make his next one in 2019 or whenever he decides to do it again, I'm going to tell you what I have learned along the way as his frequent co-hare.
#1. He will not know, think about, buy or provide anything related to supplies with the exception of 1. Seen item #2.
#2. Tater will have dozens of pages of porn from sticky, stiff Hustler
and Penthouse magazines to place on trail. You will want to remove these
in residential areas.
#3. He may also dress in a handmade magazine porn tunic. I don't know why. It sometimes doubles as his Halloween costume.
#4. You cannot expect to get a word in edgewise about the trail. It's
his trail. You are just there to make sure it doesn't fuck up everyone's
day. Trust me on this one. You will be forced to listen to his jokes,
provide the beer, ice, coolers, chalk, flour, trash bags and sometimes,
socks (Don't Ask).
#5. Tater will hide his keys under a bush just
before hares away. This is a great mystery to the hash as to why he does
such a thing. A few years ago he couldn't find his keys after we got
back and there was no circle beer because it was locked in his car. This
hasn't deterred him from continuing this strange practice.
#6.
Speaking of strange practices, Tater will likely appear to not even be
aware that he is at a hash until just before hares away. He stays in his
jeans and dirty tee shirt until he is damn good and ready. At which
point, he will run to his car, discard his clothes down to his filthy
underwear and put on his running shorts and whatever "Tater" themed
shirt he picked up out of the trash pile the covers the inside of his
car.
#7. As this is a Tater event, you can expect a few other
things to take place. He likes to take advantage of the added attention.
First, expect him to pass around his comedian head shots he had taken
in the 70s. Make no mistake, the picture he shows you will look exactly
like George Carlin from the late 70s/early 80s but it is in fact Tater.
You can also expect to see sepia colored articles printed in newspapers
around both Auburn University in 1960s and somewhere in Europe in the
early 1970s that somehow either mention Tater or reference something he
attended and was mentioned in the article. Also, if he has been in any
competitive events recently, expect to show you his name mentioned in
the paper. I say all this because traditionally, Tater keeps his
self-promotion down to just talking about how he runs the open mic at
The Blind Mule on Wednesdays. This is just a heads up that he will be
coming on strong at his own hash. You as the co-hare need to be able to
pull him away from your fellow hashers before they start insulting him
or physically pushing him away.
#8. Speaking of reasons why Tater's
mouth might write a check his ass can't cash; expect a slightly racist
or homophobic comment here or there. Don't worry, he is neither racist
nor homophobic. He is Tater and it is inexcusable. As his co-hare, you
are not at all responsible for what comes out of his mouth however, in
the interest of keeping the hash going, try your best to prevent
out-and-out brawls aimed at his insensitivity. His comedy career
technically ended before political correctness started and he can't seem
to bring himself to write any new material. See Eddie Murphy in RAW if
you want a point of extreme reference.
#9. He will probably also
need a vessel. Tater usually drinks a beer or 2 then switches to water.
As a hare, he'll have more down downs than usual. He prefers to use a
red solo cup. Do yourself a favor and save time for everyone and just
bring one along. That way you won't have to watch him pester everyone
while he tries to locate something to drink out of.
#10. There are a
million other things. If you want to co-hare with him, pay attention.
It's rewarding. Mostly when you are finally done for the day.
